3 Ways You Can Use Your Empathic Abilities To Support Your Transgender Kid
It’s coming up to a year since my step-daughter opened up to us about being transgender. I haven’t really shared about it to my social media following because, to put it bluntly, it was my family’s business and no one else’s. I will say she has been absolutely amazing, incredibly resilient, and I can’t describe just how proud I am of her. I’m in awe of her bravery and feel so privileged to be involved in her journey. There’s been a helluva lot of processing and adapting that we’ve had to do in order to be there fully to support her in transitioning. We’ve undergone massive personal growth, and I, personally, have come to learn so much from this experience that I feel I need to share it. At least the bits that I feel will be helpful in supporting other allies in the LGBTQ+ community. So, in the spirit of pride month, here are 3 ways you can use your empathic abilities to support your transgender kid.
Educate yourself
Being an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person means that we are naturally caring and supportive. And while we can feel and empathize with the inner turmoil that another person is experiencing, true understanding takes a whole lotta learning, and even then, I could never say that I truly KNOW what my step-kid is dealing with.
I’m coming clean here by saying just how unbelievably uneducated I was on what it is to be transgender. My heart still constricts when I think about the unintentional hurt I must have caused by using misinformation when holding discussions on the topic. The truth is, I didn’t educate myself until I had to. I avoided learning about this subject because it didn’t directly affect me, and I was okay with simply supporting the idea that people should be free to be who they want to be. This meant that when my step-kid came out to us, I had no idea about appropriate pronouns, basic terminology, or why deadnaming was so harmful. I was left playing catch-up when I really just wanted to have all the answers to support my family.
Fortunately, the information IS out there. We watched documentaries together, read books, and joined support groups (btw, the Mermaids charity is extremely helpful and they offer so much support). The more we learned the more comfortable we felt asking questions and openly talking about the journey that is gender transitioning.
Be Curious
Curiosity is fundamental to Empathy. It’s not possible to empathize with someone unless you’re open to wanting to know what it is they may be feeling. We can often make assumptions, when really things aren’t so obvious, and in fact, need a bit of exploration.
For example, when we started speaking about a change in wardrobe, much to my surprise, my step-kid didn’t actually know what style of clothes she wanted to start wearing. In retrospect, she probably had no knowledge of women’s fashion. So I got curious and started asking her questions, all of which were met with shrugs. I had assumed she had an idea about how she wanted to dress, what make-up she wanted to wear, and how she’d like to do her hair. But, this was all new to her, and she was only just beginning to discover who she wanted to be. I thought about how I could help her figure it out, and then I talked her through a quick visualization.
Get comfortable, take a deep breath, and close your eyes.
Begin to imagine yourself walking down this elaborate path, and a ways away, at the end of this path, you see a large mirror.
You reach the mirror and find yourself looking at your reflection.
You see that things have changed. Your hair has changed, your clothes have changed, and you notice you feel like your authentic self--the real you.
Notice the length of your hair.
Notice what sort of clothes you’re wearing.
Feel how comfortable and confident you feel standing in front of this mirror.
Take a moment to take it all in.
Breathe in deeply, and slowly let it out
When you’re ready, start to come back into the present moment, and open your eyes
This exercise turned out to be a really lovely bonding moment (at least for me it was. I’ll have to ask her how she felt about it), and it gave us a lot of new useful information.
Even now, a year later, I continue asking myself the question, “What would I want to know if I was new to womanhood?”, and then I ask if she wants to know too. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t. Ultimately, it’s about showing empathic curiosity, caring, and support. By the way, feel free to use this guided visualization for yourself or with your loved ones!
Journal through Your Blips
Showing support for your kid during their transition doesn’t mean your own doubts and worries don’t come up...they do. A lot. Several times a day, actually. But, it’s your responsibility to address these concerns in a way that you’re not unconsciously asking your kid to be different in order to help you cope with the changes that are happening. Repeat after me: My child is not responsible for my feelings. I am.
If you get the impulse to offload your feelings, I recommend you journal your way through your blips. You may or may not know this about me, but I LOVE JOURNALING! I journal every day, about anything that has me feeling out of sorts. It is my top go-to self-care ritual (although I have several rituals), and I credit it for my now anxiety-attack-free life.
A journal is your own safe space where you can be honest about your feelings and express yourself freely, without judgment. Writing down your anxieties and working through your thinking helps you gain awareness of your thought patterns. When you see what thoughts are on replay, you can change them and then change your beliefs.
Consider asking yourself these questions whenever you start to feel you’re not in control of your emotions as it pertains to your kid’s transition:
What are my fears about gender transition?
What kind of parent do I want to be for my kid?
What has changed during this transition journey?
What hasn’t changed?
What do I need help with, and how can those needs be met?
While I think journaling is fantastic, and it offers a lot of insight, it may be that you will need extra support. That’s okay, too! If you find that’s the case, the Mermaids charity here in the UK, which I’ve already mentioned, is absolutely amazing. There are also several Facebook groups for parents of transgender kids that I have found supportive during this past year. Search through and join the ones that call to you.
Transitions are never easy, for anyone. You just gotta realize, this isn’t your transition, you’ve got a supporting role, and your kid takes the lead. So, learn as much as you can, ask those questions, take care of yourself so you don’t fall into overwhelm, and look for support from those that have been where you are now. Don’t forget to celebrate—Happy Pride Month!
